Why my weight is not the problem.

I have Osteoarthritis as a result of a birth injury called "windswept feet." My left foot was turned out so far that the sole of my foot pointed up to the sky. I wore a Denis Browne Splint thanks to a fantastic pediatric orthopedist, and thanks to my Mom's cast iron will to be the best Mom ever, she cranked my poor feet into alignment over my shrieking protests.  As a result, I did not spend my childhood in a wheelchair, nor did I have to have my legs broken and rebuilt when I was in the 3rd grade (as can happen in unresolved cases of windswept feet).

However, my left knee, which was the most malformed, has literally ALWAYS hurt. I can remember waking up crying from the pain in my left knee as young as 4, and my parents rubbing DMSO into it until I could sleep again. 

I was a competitive fencer in high school. I could pull a size 10 off any rack and put it right on. I didn't even bother to try things on, unless I was concerned about the length. (I'm not model tall, but a bit over the average of 5'6" and 2" on a short dress can be the difference between edgy and hoochy mama). 

The first time that I missed school because I couldn't handle the pain of walking was in 1990. I weighed 140 lbs. The first time I missed work because looking at the stairs in my apartment building made me cry was in 1997. I weighed 150 lbs. The first time I sold a car because it was a stick and driving it was PAINFUL was in 1996. I weighed 150 lbs. The first time I realized that my pain was affecting me EVERY DAY was in 1994. I weighed 150 lbs. After using the depo provera shot from 2001 - 2004. I gained 60 lbs, which was the first time in my life I had ever crossed 200, and I cried and cried because I was fat. I lost 30 of the extra pounds and moved into size 16 clothes, which while I was not thrilled about (because fat). I weighed 170 lbs.

I weighed 170 lbs when I got pregnant, and between baby weight and the water weight from the extreme edema, my total gain was close to 80 lbs. But I was 180 the day I left the hospital. And limping. 2 years later I weighted 210 lbs, and got pregnant again. My weight fluctuated quite a bit in round 2. But I weighed 204 lbs when I was discharged from the hospital.

I look at videos of me from Trey's toddler years, and I can see the unevenness of my gait. It wasn't long after he was born that the days I was unable to drive increased (We had a stick.) I began to have trouble with the stairs in our home. I began to avoid my regular activities. I had my first MRI, which showed decreased cartilage and wear to my patella. I had my second MRI 2 years later, which showed more damage. I got referrals for a pain clinic, told to lose weight,  I took water aerobics, the kind specifically designed for arthritis and during a class in 2010 while we were kicking our legs my kneecap slipped out of place (which happens ALL THE TIME). But this was the first time I couldn't get it back into place. It was visibly dislocated, I had to go to urgent care (because of course it was Saturday). I was told to lose weight.

I've done 8 years of PT. I've taken so much ibuprofen that I am allergic to NSAIDS. I've had so many cortisone shots that cortisone no longer has any effect on my body at all. I've done all of the alternative therapies. Every supplement, injection, and treatment. I get 5 large vials of synthetic goop injected into my left knee every six months. And still, some days I cry.

The last straw: a few weeks ago, my right foot started to hurt more than my left knee. The symptoms aligned perfectly with plantar fasciitis, So off to the podiatrist I went. She agreed, and as part of the initial exam I got an xray. The results were shocking. I have bone spurs in my feet that are large enough to be endangering my Achilles tendon. My arch is collapsing. Literally collapsing. The bones in my big toe are almost malaligned enough to require surgery. I am unable to walk more than a few steps without pain. I have a handicapped parking permit, and per doctors orders I am to stay off my feet as much as possible. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I have to use the electric cart at the grocery store. I am not able to go places that do not offer mobility devices for rent/free. I can't do laundry. I can barely stand long enough to cook a meal. I wear a special boot for 2 hours a day to keep my fascia from bunching. I got (more) shots in my foot. And I weigh 250 lbs. The next images of my knee are likely to show significant damage to my bones, and the podiatrist holds that it would be medically irresponsible of her to perform surgery on my foot because the CAUSE of the problem is unresolved.

So to recap: I become more disabled over time. I have been called a drug seeker. I have been told that the problem (which is congenital and degenerative) is because of my weight, even though it existed prior to any weight issue by any medical or social standards. I have been subjected to monthly urine tests to receive a woefully inadequate supply of pain meds.

Fat is not the problem. It is a result. And I'm angry at an establishment that has denied me a reasonable standard of care because my body doesn't conform to an unreasonable standard of beauty. 

Secure ID and Racism/Classism

So, my ID expires, and thanks to a fantastic new initiative to reduce ID fraud, I have to prove my identity to the Great State Of Georgia. Again.

http://www.dds.ga.gov/secureid/Faqdocs.aspx

Like I did when I first moved here.
Like I did 2 weeks after I got married.

Here is the list of things I need to provide to RENEW my existing ID: (there are multiple choices in each category, but these are the things I have selected for myself

1) Proof of Identity: Certified U.S. Birth Certificate (which I provided in 2003, when I arrived; in 2006,  when I applied for my marriage license, albeit to the Vital Records Office; and again to the DMV when I changed my name on my license)

2) Social Security Card: (provided as above)

3) Residential Address: requires TWO documents, again, provided in the first place utility bill and bank statement.

4) Marriage Certificate. In case I've somehow managed to get my name changed on my license without providing all this crap in the first place.

I am currently trying to teach my kids a unit on government. Just the basics, they're only 5 and 7. But I have to keep walking away from it because I can't seem to get past the ridiculous racism and classism that these new ID laws embody.

http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-mh-the-racism-underlying-voter-id-20141020-column.html

Now, part of the problem is that the TSA/Homeland Security Real ID act. I do not even pretend to understand how gathering up all this stuff will prevent terrorism or hurricanes or whatever it is that they're claiming to protect us from with this bit of security theatre. Typical fear mongering and saber rattling. I almost don't even notice it anymore.

But what drives this particular nonsense into the category of racist is the GA voter id law.

Even though the law was upheld by the State Supreme Court, it was only after providing an alternative ID at no cost to persons who are not able to obtain a regular ID or DL. Not that the paperwork requirements are any less stringent, mind you, but the ID itself is free. A social security card is free. A birth certificate is not. I'm sure you can make the argument that adults should have copies of these things. And you'd be correct. But what if you weren't born in the state you live? If you want a vital record from Massachusetts, it will set you back $50. Louisiana requires you to have a photo ID already. if you are ordering in person, or you can pay double to order from the internet through a third party provider. so $15 to walk up or $30 by mail (not including shipping, which starts at $20, US mail is free, but the website actively discourages you from selecting this option, by making this option the lowest priority for processing, which means it can take up to 3 weeks to get your documents.) What if you've had a flood or fire, even if you do live in the state of your birth?

I'm lucky. I'm a full time parent, with a working car, and the disposable income to replace documents as needed. But not everyone can play doc hunt. For some people, the cost means they have to go without meals or put off the utilities and hope they don't get cut off. For some, using the gas to trek across town could mean a scramble to get to work. For some, this IS an unreasonable burden. And those people are overwhelmingly poor and/or not white.

And that is why secure ID and voter ID laws are racist and classist.

The revamped Khan Academy site is amazing.

We have to take a standardized test this year for third grade. And even though Mr. Man can determine the speed of a falling object of a known mass under perfect conditions, he sucks at subtraction. He can solve for x, balance an equation, and make complicated analogies about the relative size of atoms. But he has no idea what the standard vocabulary of shapes is beyond the little kid basics of "circle," "square," "oval,""rectangle," "octagon." and everything else is a polyhedron. Which, while technically correct, is not the answer they're looking for when presenting a hexagon.

So a few weeks ago, I went back to Khan Academy. Last time we tried it was early last school year. It was very utilitarian, video heavy, and he just didn't take to it. Also, his keyboard skills were pretty poor, and I couldn't figure out how to turn off the timer. So while he knew the answers, he couldn't input them in time and a wrong answer made an angry buzzing noise. Not motivating to Boogie at all.

I saw a FB ad for Khan Academy having redone their website, so I figured I'd give it another go.

It is amazing. The dashboard is enticing, and what Boogie sees when he logs in, is chosen by me. I made it a point to select things that were in line with his current interests (atoms and molecules; physics, math), one thing I'd like him to take an interest in (crash course history), and the link that takes him to the main menu of all the things.

Each activity completed results in badges (which my little completist's heart loves) and energy points. Energy points can be used to evolve your avatar and upgrade your overall experience, like getting special badges, custom backgrounds, mini-games, etc. No more angry buzzing sound for wrong answers. You just get a grey "x" instead of a green checkmark. There is also now an option to pick "I haven't learned this yet," and it counts as null and gives you another question. So you don't have to break a streak over something you haven't gotten to.

Well, this is more about Boogie than Khan, so here's the real point of the story. At some point while he was reveling in the joy of the number pad, his stats popped up. I think right after a 5 in a row challenge. His stats revealed that he was 20% through 3rd grade skills (not really, he's just only been on Khan for 3 days) and 30% through 4th grade skills. (3rd grade is on the dashboard, because he needs to master the vocabulary of the the grade level at least) but ALL the math is on the more stuff link. And he just clicks stuff he wants to do, and does it. Well, he looked at me, looked at the dashboard, and told me that he was sorry that he'd been doing 4th grade, but 3rd was boring sometimes.... And I told him that it was fine. In fact, He could do whatever he wants, as long as he finishes the 3rd grade sometime this year. He sighed with relief, and announced that he was going to finish it before Easter, and then this happened:

Boogie: I'm going to finish 3rd grade before Easter.
Me: Okay, dude.
Boogie: And then, I'm going to finish 4th grade.
Me: Okay.
Boogie: I SAID, I'm going to finish 4th grade, too.
Me: Yes, son. I heard you. You want to finish the 3rd and 4th grade math section on Khan Academy this year.
Boogie: I mean it.
Me: Yes, Boogie, I know.
Boogie: So, I can do as much as I want.
Me: Yes. As much as you want.

Now his 3rd grade percentage is 30%. He has decided to complete these tasks in order. now that he doesn't have to sneak access to more stuff. He's going to go in order as fast as he can.

He's watched 6 of 42 crash course history videos. He really enjoys John Greene, who is quite an engaging presenter. I think the videos are more geared towards late middle school/early high school, but Trey hates all of the things considered appropriate for his age, and rejects them all. I'm hoping that there isn't much science outside of "science reasoning" involved in the test, cause Boogie is not interested in any of the age level science texts. We're learning to read the periodic table so he can make models of atoms with Lego bricks. And then calculate how many atoms are in a Lego brick if one hair is 1 Million atoms wide. (But that isn't math, it's science, same as calculating velocity. Multiplying random numbers by 9.8 is science because meters per second squared is science talk.)

So yeah, new Khan Academy. Check it out.

Handwriting is important.

So today, I taught my son the importance of legible handwriting by telling him about the time I got an A (and you didn't) on homework I copied from you.

Azaleas

I think of you at the most random times. Yesterday, we were leaving the house, and my daughter shouted "Look, Mommmy! The roses are blooming!"

We don't have roses. We have azaleas, because it's the south, and it's mandatory. I don't think I can identify a single house on my block that DOESN'T have azaleas.

As soon as she said roses, my mind provided me with a memory.

I'm walking in to the Performing Arts School. You're standing there, in the main entrance, with a long white box. In all the years that have passed since that moment, still no one else has ever given me such a perfect gift. (Of course, no one else has ever broken up with me by avoiding my calls since I turned 12 - so I guess it balances.) I remember the way you looked at me - hopeful. My heart was in my throat when I saw the box. I knew what it was right away. And I was overwhelmed. Overcome. Amazed.

"My favorite!" I shouted "AZALEAS!" I quoted Shakespeare. I subbed the word Azalea for the word Rose in all sorts of ways. (A habit which carried on long past you, by the way.) I carried that box around all day and I felt special. I protected it, I rode Public Transit with that box. At (school) rush hour. It took me around an hour and a half to get home and  I cradled that box the entire way. I had put the card in my purse, so I could read it without exposing that glorious, perfect, gem.

I can't remember very many times in my life that I felt that special. And I felt that way each and every time you turned up with one of those long white boxes with the fancy gold script from that famous florist. (I can't remember now if it was Chopin's or Sheinuk's - I'm even more impressed that I spelled that right prior to googling). I flattened the boxes, and kept them stored on the top shelf of my closet. I kept the cards with your terrible illegible handwriting in a separate keepsake box with other little mementos. (This method of storing keepsakes is how I store the kids' keepsakes. I have a box for each of them, and I put stuff in it, sometimes with a note, sometimes not.)

I sincerely hope that my kids get to make someone special feel that way.

Equality for all. Even people I don't like.

I don't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me if they harbor hate for other human beings based on anything other than a personal wrong they have done to you specifically. The color of someone's skin, the kind of naughty bits they are attracted to, the religion they believe, the kind of naughty bits they possess - these are all things that DO NOT AFFECT YOU.

Somewhere in the world someone is doing something I wouldn't do, and someone else is doing something I would do. Yet, here I am typing away UNAFFECTED by either. I believe that we all have the right to make our own decisions - to love, to hate, to spend, to save, whatever - so long as you are not depriving me or others of their freedom to pursue whatever happiness this world has to offer not only is it not my business, I don't want it to be.

Here's a (by no means complete) list of things that anyone should be allowed to decide for themselves:

To have or not have children.
To marry the person they love.
To practice their faith.
To run for elective office.
To educate themselves.

To pursue happiness free from fear.

Do better, always.

I don't usually do resolutions. I'm more of a seat of my pants seize the moment kind of person. However, there is a great deal of support and positive reinforcement at the New Year, so I'm going to try to take advantage of that. The key is going to be remembering that it's a journey and I haven't failed if I don't complete all of my resolutions by February 1st.

2013 Resolutions

1) Eliminate all disposable items.
2) Go to the gym twice a week.
3) Resume serious couponing - I am aiming for a 30% reduction in bills overall.
4) Eat as well as I feed the kids.

Lets see how we fare - and then if I finish this list, I'll start a new one.